Current car designs are crap

Current car designs are crap. Soulless, generic, bland as vanilla ice-cream. And computers are to blame.

Where is the next great design that will make men gasp and women damp in the downstairs?
Where is the uplifting inspiration that was present in ID/DS Citroen design?
The daring and unconventional lines of the many designs by Virgil Exner in the finified 50’s? The phallic resonance of the E-type?

Basically, where have all the good designs and designers gone? Are they in a cave? With Osama? Has he eaten them? By his thin visage he looks to be subsisting on only the thin gruel in the current the Toyota/Hyundai/GM design trough.

If I was stuck in the cave with Osama, I’d eat his stinky sandal before even thinking to look at next generation Camry designs. Yuck.

Seriously, why can’t any designer use God’s gift of an opposable digit, pick up a pencil and draw something exciting? Are computer mouses to blame? Is the grammatical black-hole who decided that the plural for a computer mouse should be ‘mouses’ to blame? Close but no. I blame CAD, or Computer Aided Design programs.

Like most software, a CAD program can be used for good, but also evil.
I am 100% sure that on every ‘file’ dropdown of every CAD program on every computer in every mainstream car company around the world, there is an option labelled ‘Default Design’.
Pressing this button causes the latest homogenous design blob from Toyfordai to shoot on to the screen like amateur porn.

Such is the reliance on CAD that all designers who use it have more knowledge of mathematics than of artful design. Aesthetics on paper transferred to metal is a thing of the past.

Now, I’m sure in designing a car there are safety and economic controls (loved by those tight-fisted wankers in accounting), but when has a truly great designer ever followed the rules?

I now extend this challenge to any designer who thinks they have the fortitude and talent to be truly worth of me remembering their name. All you have to do is sack up, stab an accountant in the eye with a pencil and then draw the next truly great car design. Easy.

Ford Focus Wagon - Road Test 2008

Forget the Aston, what ‘007’ needs is a Ford Focus 1.6L Wagon.

If you are a spy and want to get about unnoticed (yes, spying is about NOT being seen Mr Bond!) then the Ford Focus Wagon is for you. This car is stealthy. This car is so stealthy that when I came back to it at the local shops, I walked straight past it. Twice.

At first all I could see was an empty space, but as I squinted toward the place where a car should be, a form suddenly materialised in front of my eyes. The unremarkable styling of the new model Focus and the dark colour of the test car do more to mask the Ford from view than all the technology that cloaks the stealth bomber.
The Russians would have won the Cold War if they had this kind of technology.

The looks of the new Focus are sharper than the previous model, more angular and definitely fresher than the original but less cohesive, less...focused.
The first Focus looked so great that it didn't change very much over its model life (almost 10 years!). Unfortunately for the new Focus its looks are eminently forgettable.

What the new car lacks in looks it makes up for in interior space.
It’s amazing to see the change in vehicle sizes over the last ten years.
All the small cars (Focus, Civic et al.) have become medium sized and the mid-size cars have become bigger than the super-sized contestants on the 'Loser' show. Hell, the Mondeo I recently drove felt as big as an early EA Falcon.

But this increase in size is a good thing because it means you have a smallish car, with minimal overhangs that is easy to drive, has good visibility and is easy to park.

It can also fit an arse-load of essentials when you go camping, shopping or when making a mad border-dash with the back full of Bollinger and Eastern bloc women with funny names who will try to rub you out as you drift off in a post-coital haze. However with a bigger car you need more power to pull it and if the stealth of the Focus ever failed, and Bond was found out, the two mice under the bonnet would have their work cut out for them in a high-speed pursuit.

The lackluster 1.6 litre engine is as slow as Paris Hilton and not suited to an automatic transmission so it is no surprise that the Focus has piss-weak performance.
It would be a much better proposition with the Duratorq turbo-diesel and manual transmission.
This combo would be a little more expensive but it’s not only more powerful, it would use less fuel.

Fuel consumption in the Focus is a bit thirsty for its size with a combined test showing 8.4 L/100km. This could however stem from the fact that you need to drive it hard to get up to traffic speeds, which is where the diesel would again be the better option.

The Focus is a very good car for those who need to address practical issues liks like carting kids, shopping and pets around.

It has a huge amount of space in the back to put things and the glove box is roomier than a supermodel’s lunchbox.The interior is very nice for the price with comfortable seats, good ergonomics and controls that are easy to use and understand.

Despite feeling a little upright and flat, I really liked the seats in the Focus as they were comfortable and easy to get in and out of (am I getting old?). The Focus is extremely practical and with the right engine could be a good choice for carrying a lot of stuff quite cheaply. You know that it wouldn't get stolen (stealth factor), but then again you might lose it.

Although Bond would be as likely to drive a Focus as quit drinking, marry Moneypenny and take up philately, it would be the perfect car for him to pick Pussy Galore up in without the missus knowing- Oh James indeed!!

Automatic Porsche 911. Travesty or just stupidity

Trawling through the cars section of ebay recently, I came across a 996 911 Carrera at a Brisbane dealer for only $56,000.
This is seriously cheap for a 996. It did get me to thinking that it was now a ten year-old car (not necessarily a bad thing but noteworthy) and that when old 930s and even 911Ts from the 70's are still pulling 35 grand+ that this was a bit of a bargain.
Kilometres were on the high side (140 thou) but tolerable for the outlay.
While opening my wallet, hoping to see a winning lotto ticket to flutter out, I scrolled further down the page and froze in horror. The transmission was listed as 'automatic'. What kind of wanker would buy and auto 911?
A Carrera Cabriolet I could forgive for having a porridge-stirrer (no doubt driven by hairdressers) in place of a man's shifter, but a 'nine-elev' with a slushbox? Like Grandad said. "The world is going to hell in an auto 911". Damn straight Grandpa.

Hot Zot. Honda Z360 Hardtop Microcar

I've never been especially concerned about fashion and styles in cars, music or anything. I'm the typical "I dunno art, but I know what I like" kind of guy. When I said I liked Dire Straits in year 4, the class as one made an "eeeeeeeewwwwwwww" noise and scrunched their faces as if they'd just licked a lemon-flavoured arsehole. When I said I liked KISS, they all laughed. Even my teacher. But I didn't care, I knew that I was right and they were missing out.
Anyway fast forward a few years to a small farm shed on the outskirts of the country town I grew up in. I am standing, looking at this incredibly small purple Honda. I knew I had seen them before (a guy in high school had one) but I had never realised how cool they were. Now, here's where you say "ewww", ready? I was totally in awe of the pretty little Honda Z360 Hardtop. Derisive verbalisation over, let me explain.

These were the predecessor to the first series Civic which came in 1974-5.
Old matey Soichiro Honda wanted to use the motorbike knowledge that his company had to make some small cars with air-cooled engines for the masses.
In 1971 the world was introduced to the gorgeous (eeewwww) Z360 Hardtop with its tiny 360cc engine pumping out an Earth-shattering 23kW. The air-cooled car continued until 1973 when the water-cooled engines were introduced only to cease production late in 1974 which was when the Civic came to life.
There was also a Z600 which was a Z360 with a bigger, you guessed it, 600cc engine. Other Hondas that shared the engines around the same time were the Scamp, Life, and the boxtastic Step van.

I still haven't found one for myself yet, as I have to do something with the cars I already have, but when I get one I know it'll be a ripper!!!

Plans include a large capacity bike engine, cage and flairs like the blue one below which was for sale on my105 recently.

Here are some awesome examples, and if you are into the old Nippon classics check out Japanese Nostalgic Car, as well as the crazy carbon Z600.













No doubt the Darth Vadar carbon-fibre Z600 looks the business, but for me the blue Zot/Z360 below converted for road use is the epitome of a hot pre-Kei Japanese classic.

Awsome Z360 with mid-mounted 1300cc Suzuki GTI engine